Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize