I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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