i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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