Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
