I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
