who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
