she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
