Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
