I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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