I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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