Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize