I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
