Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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