Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
