after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
