my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
