Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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