My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Someone came in the potted fern
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
