For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
