When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
