He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
