um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize