your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
