does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
