dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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