Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
