Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
