Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
