I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
