Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
