god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Soap is not a condiment
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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