so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
