my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
