happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
