So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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