I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
