my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
