listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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