im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
