Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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