My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
