i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
