So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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