So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
