she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
