My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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