I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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