I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
