he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
