aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize