Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
