Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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