I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
