God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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