my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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