Moan for me like Helen Keller
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
