The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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