I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize