Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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