i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
