You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
wow bdsm is so cute
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
