Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
