In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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