shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
