every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
