at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
