Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
