just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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