My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
