Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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