Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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