I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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