My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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